


I'm not entirely here

by LonelyAngel



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Best Friends, Depersonalization, Early Days, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sweet, Van Days, but can be seen as platonic - Freeform, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2019-07-14 09:45:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16037924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAngel/pseuds/LonelyAngel
Summary: Tyler can't sleep and feels detached from reality.Josh comforts him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title by The Neighbourhood

Years of friendship taught Josh to read Tyler's body language like no one else could. As long as he paid attention to Tyler's behavior, he knew how his friend was feeling without asking him.

He knew Tyler knew him as well, there was nothing they didn't know about each other.

Tyler was important to Josh and that was why he always noticed it when Tyler was getting worse.

Touring wasn't easy, especially when you still had to worry about people showing up for your show. Every time before a show, they were worried no one would show up, that there would be no audience.

Luckily, this hadn't had happened before. Sure, there had been times when they played in front of twenty people, but they were aware that they had to work hard for the success.

The tour so far had worn them out. Everybody was exhausted and tired. Still, playing a show was an opportunity to win new fans, to spread the word that there was a band that was worth listen to. It meant they had to put all their energy in a show and no one was even thinking about cancelling.

They hoped they would be rewarded in the future - but that was it. They _hoped._ They didn't know.

Tyler hadn't slept the night before. He said he tried, but just couldn't fall asleep, so he had stayed awake. Josh hoped he would get tired during the drive and would sleep in the back, but Tyler stayed awake, his eyes wide and body hunched over in his seat.

"Are you okay?" Josh asked quietly when he sat next to him.

Tyler nodded, his eyes not leaving the road.

Josh hesitated. "Aren't you tired?"

"No." Tyler answered and Josh knew he wanted to be left alone.

 

Instead of relaxing when they finally reached the tiny venue they played in, only holding about three hundred people, Josh knew Tyler was working himself up every minute. For the rest of the ride, he had been quiet and just stared out of the window, but Josh had seen the way his hands had been twitching his lap.

Although he wasn't standing straight, Josh saw how tensed he was. As soon as the car stopped, Tyler was out of the door, grabbing boxes with the things they needed to carry them inside. He was restless and filled with a nervous kind of energy.

This show wasn't big nor was it something special, but Tyler never sat down. He kept running around and even during the soundcheck, when he played the piano, he never sat still. When he was playing, he constantly twitched his head and when he wasn't playing, he rubbed his hands nervously.

When Josh had met Tyler, it had made him anxious when he was like this and it still worried him, but now he knew what to do. Right now, he hoped Tyler would get rid of his fears or whatever it was that was keeping him up and running around during the show.

They retreated to a room backstage. The show was in thirty minutes and slowly, the venue was filling with people.

Tyler sat on the small couch, but his eyes were darting around and his breathing was uneven. Josh stepped to him, placing a comforting hand on Tyler's arm, but the singer flinched before he shook it off.

"Please, don't touch me, Josh." he said, rubbing his temples.

"Okay." Josh sat down next to him, but without invading his personal space. "I'm here if you need to talk."

"Thank you." Tyler said. His voice was wavering, but he cleared his throat and managed to look at Josh and to give him a smile. Josh knew how difficult it was for him right now, so he appreciated it.

"It's going to be a good show." Josh said.

"Yeah…" Tyler stared into the distance. "A good show."

 

It was good show, although wilder than the ones before. Tyler was still filled with anxiety, he was jumping and running around, although it seemed to Josh like he was trying to run away from something. Sometimes he saw a flash of pain in the singer's eyes and he could see that they were widened in fear, but Tyler never lost control.

Josh wouldn't be surprised if some of the people thought he was high, but it was a good show.

They both were sweaty when they finished the set. Josh stood up and walked over to Tyler, pulling him close to bow down. He could feel Tyler trembling under his hand that he had slung around his waist.

He glanced at his friend only to see that the show had brought him even farther away from reality. He was gasping for breath and Josh couldn't tell if it was because of the running around or not. Tyler's eyes were unfocused and when he looked at the crowd that cheered in front of them, it was like he didn't notice the people at all.

Josh knew he had to get him back, so he led Tyler off stage and back to the small room.

Tyler was walking mechanically and Josh couldn’t tell if he even knew where he was. He was still shaking and his fingers were twitching, but Josh didn't pay attention to it. He would try to calm him down but he knew it would take a while.

They reached the room and Josh led Tyler to the couch, pushing him down softly when Tyler's knees hit the cushion.

"Tyler." Josh said quietly, but the singer didn't react. Josh reached out and brushed a strand of hair off Tyler's forehead, but his friend didn't move at all.

Josh sat down next to him, placing a hand on his back and rubbing circles into his skin, trying to comfort him, while he waited until Michael told them they could leave.

Josh had spent many nights calming Tyler down in the back of the van, but this night was particularly hard, so he was glad they had booked a few motel rooms for the night.

When he closed the door of the small room in the motel behind him, Josh sighed in relief. He was holding Tyler's hand, but the singer stood next to him like a mannequin, not moving, his breathing was ragged.

Josh pulled Tyler to the bed, where he told him to lie down.

Tyler blinked, but after a few seconds, he lied down on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

Josh untied Tyler's shoelaces and dropped his shoes to the floor, before he undressed Tyler, because his sweaty clothes were sticking to him and were making him shiver. Josh quickly changed into a pair of sweatpants, always keeping an eye on the singer.

Then, he crawled on the bed, sitting down and cradling Tyler's head in his lap, pulling the covers to Tyler's chest.

Carding his fingers through Tyler's hair, he started to talk to the singer.

"Tyler… Tyler, you're safe. I'm here, I'll keep you safe. You need to come back to me, okay? Try to come back." he said softly.

Josh rubbed Tyler's shoulder, trying to make him relax. "I know it's hard, but if you can hear me, try listen to my voice."

Tyler stirred, but his eyes were still unfocused.

"'S okay." Josh mumbled. "Take your time."

He ran his hand through Tyler's hair, carefully untangling it. The singer took a few deep breaths and whimpered quietly.

"I'm here." Josh said again and ran his hand down Tyler's arm. "I know you feel detached, but I'm trying to get you back here. Just try to break through it."

Tyler closed his eyes, body jerking and shoulders tensing. Josh could see he was trying to come back.

He kept talking to him for a few minutes, kept touching him carefully to show him he was safe and finally, Josh could see he was coming back.

It took a few minutes until Tyler blinked and opened his eyes, focusing his gaze on Josh.

"Well done." Josh praised. "I'm proud of you. Are you feeling better?"

Tyler sighed quietly and gave him a weak nod, eyes locked on the drummer.

Josh hummed quietly and smiled. "It's okay to have a bad day. You did a good job, though, the show was amazing."

Tyler's lips twitched into a tiny smile, before his eyes fluttered shut again.

"Can you say something? Just so I know you're fully here again." Josh asked.

"'M so tired, Josh." Tyler slurred.

"You can sleep." Josh assured him. "I'm here, I'll take care of you. Just try to relax, okay?"

As a response, Tyler closed his eyes and his shoulders dropped. Slowly, he started to relax completely until his breathing became deeper and he fell asleep.

Josh sat in the bed, the head of his sleeping friend in his lap, still running his hand through his hair slowly. He knew how tired Tyler was and how much he needed a full night's sleep.

After watching him for about half an hour, just to make sure he really was asleep, Josh carefully lifted Tyler's head off him and scooted down until he could wrap his arms around the singer, before he fell asleep, too.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been two weeks since their last stay at a motel. Two weeks since they had slept in a proper bed, since they had gotten more than five hours of sleep.

They couldn't afford a night in a motel. Right now, they earned just enough money to refill the gas tank and grab a cheap meal in the drive thru of a fast food restaurant.

Most nights were spent in the back of the van, squeezed in together, between body heat and the freezing cold outside.

Josh knew the risk of them getting sick was higher than usual, the lack of sleep and the unhealthy food made them feel exhausted.

He also knew they needed Tyler's voice, needed it to be able to pay for food or maybe, a bed for the night.

Josh could drum if he was sick, but Tyler couldn't sing if his voice didn't cooperate. So, every night, he chose the spot right next to the van door where the cold coming through the gap of the van's door turned his back into ice, shielding Tyler.

They spent their nights like this, Tyler pressed against Josh's chest, trying to stay as warm as possible, drifting in and out of sleep while Josh protected him from the cold. The drummer kept his eyes closed, trying to sleep, but the constant breeze, cold as ice, kept him awake. Only when the sun would start to rise again, the rays of sunlight would warm him up enough to finally be able to sleep.

Tyler didn't know about it and Josh decided not to tell him. He knew Tyler would insist on switching spots so Josh could sleep and to Josh, it was a small burden compared to the fact that he lived his dream. He was even more tired than Tyler, so what?

Another hour of sleep until everybody else started to move, the door of the van opened and closed loudly. Josh shivered when the chilly air touched his skin and he squeezed his eyes shut.

Tyler next to him groaned quietly before he shifted and sat up, kicking the blanket aside.  
Josh whimpered, his eyes burning from the lack of sleep.

"Morning, Josh." Tyler mumbled.

"Morning." Josh said groggily, pulling the blanket over his head.

"I need to pee." Tyler opened the door and jumped out, shivering in the cold and slamming the door shut.

Josh flinched. He heard the others talk outside and sighed when he realized he couldn't fall asleep again. Slowly, he put on his jacket before he followed Tyler to the restroom of the motorway service.

"You alright?" Tyler asked when he stepped out.

Josh nodded, rubbing his arms. "Just tired."

"I'll get you a coffee." Tyler said and Josh thanked him before he locked the door behind himself.

  
He felt more awake after the coffee, although the bags underneath his eyes were prominent. They had a show tonight and still a four-hour drive in front of them. Josh just wanted to crawl into his bed at home and sleep for a week straight, instead he stayed awake, staring out of the window of the van.

Most of the time, it was Michael who drove the van, but this time it was Josh's turn.

He wasn't sure if he could muster up enough energy to reach the venue safely.

"Do you want me to drive?" Tyler murmured.

"Guys, I can take a few more hours." Michael informed them.

"Thank you." Josh said, feeling his eyes water with relief. He didn't know what was wrong, but he felt weak and extremely exhausted.

During the drive, Tyler talked about the show, but Josh couldn't concentrate on his words.

He zoned out, daydreaming of already having played the show and being able to get some sleep.

It didn't help that his anxiety had been really bad since the last show. It always seemed to get worse instead of better.

"...osh? Are you even listening?" Tyler asked.  
Josh turned his head to look at him. "Huh?"

"I asked you a question. Geez, this is important, Josh. We almost messed up last time and we have to avoid every mistake we can." Tyler sounded irritated. "We're so close. We have to give everything we have and we need to improve. Do you not want our show to be better? Is this even important to you?"

"Of course it is." Josh rubbed his eyes. He was too tired to be offended by Tyler's accusation. Besides, Tyler was right. They had to be better in order to play bigger venues.

"I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I said I want to change something right after Migraine." Tyler explained. "I think we should choose another song to follow."

"Whatever you say." Josh mumbled.

  
  
They arrived at the venue a few hours later, Tyler ready to take over the world, Josh ready to hide in the van.

The tiredness had been replaced by a weird kind of nervousness that left him restless and made his heart jump at the most ridiculous moments.

"It's only going to be a hundred people, maybe even less." he mumbled to himself when they set up the gear, but it didn't ease his nerves.

Something felt off today. They both had bad days and Josh usually knew how to deal with them, but today he was helpless.

In the back of his head he knew he should go and talk to Tyler, but something held him back. Josh knew the dark thoughts that creeped into his mind and he knew Tyler could make them go away.

But today, Josh was already too deep into the spiral that pulled him downward. It felt like there was a wall between him and everybody else and it would have taken too much energy to break through it. Energy Josh didn't have, so instead he kept his mouth shut and set up his drums with shaking hands.

  
"I'm going over to Starbucks and grab a coffee." Josh said, hands shoved deeply into the pockets of his jeans.

"Another one? Are you sure?" Tyler looked at him in surprise.

"Yeah..." Josh shrugged. "Do you want something?"

"Nah, I'm good." Tyler shook his head. "Thanks, tho."

"Okay. See ya later." Josh turned and left Tyler with his piano.

It only took Josh about five minutes to reach the next Starbucks. He stepped in and groaned internally when he saw how crowded it was.

He waited in line, arms pressed close to his sides, trying to keep his breathing even. He could do this.

Josh thought about Tyler and he thought about leaving, but he stayed in line, waiting impatiently. The noises around him seemed too loud and he wanted to cover his ears, but he didn't want to seem like a freak in public.

'It's just coffee. Just grab a coffee, that's all.' Josh told himself, gritting his teeth.

"Hi, how can I help you?" the cashier asked. She was friendly, although in a hurry.

Josh flinched, quickly scannng the menu. "I... uh..."

The cashier impatiently tapped on the counter, her grin slowly turning into a frown.

"I'll take a, uh, Caffe Latte... Grande." Josh stuttered out.

"Your name?" the chashier asked.

"Joshua." Josh choked out.

"That would be 4.15$." she said and Josh reached for his wallet. Except, his pocket was empty.

Josh's heart started racing when he realized that he had left his wallet in the van.

"I...I forgot my wallet." he stammered. His entire body felt hot with shame and he could feel the other's judging eyes on him.

"Well, then I can't give you the drink, I'm sorry." The chashier clicked her tongue. "Next!"

Josh stepped aside and left the shop. His heart was hammering in his chest and he felt like throwing up.

Everybody stared at him or at least it felt that way. Outside, Josh let out a sob and wrapped his arms around himself protectively. He pressed his lips to a thin line and closed his eyes. He didn't want to cry in public.

He knew it wasn't a big deal, but it was embarrassing and he felt like a failure.  
Josh just wanted to get back into the safety of Tyler's presence, so he picked up his speed until he was sprinting back to the venue.

Panting, he bolted through the door into main area where Tyler stood on stage, talking to an employee.

He glanced at the sweating drummer and then at his empty hands.

"I thought you wanted to get coffee?" Tyler asked, confused.

"I changed my mind." Josh said and took a deep breath. Tyler was here and Tyler meant safety.

Tyler seemed to feel something was wrong, so he jumped off stage and placed a hand on Josh's shoulder. "Why are you so sweaty?  Did you...?"

"What do you mean?" Josh asked.

"You know, jerk off in the bathroom." Tyler mumbled.

"Gosh, no!" Josh took a step back. "I just needed to... run."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Josh brushed it off. "I feel better." he lied.

Tyler didn't look convinced, but he didn't press further. "Alright, I still need to do some soundcheck, I'll see you later?"

Josh nodded. He didn't feel better at all, but he didn't want to bother his best friend. He decided to try to get some sleep, but saw Michael and Mark standing next to the van, talking.

He wanted to be left alone, so instead he paced behind the venue nervously. He just wanted the day to be over, but he still had a show to play. Instead of getting some rest, Josh spent his afternoon replaying the scene at Starbucks in his head and letting the darkness pull him down even further.

  
The door behind him opened with a creak and Josh flinched. He turned and found Tyler looking at him.

"Josh? Do you want to come in? I thought you'd like to see the people coming in."

"Is it already time for the show?" Josh asked, sounding panicked.

"We still have an hour." Tyler said softly.  
Josh swallowed, but Tyler offered his hand and Josh grabbed it. Tyler led him inside and towards the bar. The room was already half-filled with people and they squeezed through them.

For a second, Josh imagined being famous and people screaming his name when he walked by, trying to reach out and touch him, but the moment was gone when they stopped at the bar. His chest felt tight and he was glad when Tyler ordered a coke for him.

"Here you go." he said when he handed Josh the glass. Josh gulped the drink down quickly.

Maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe he could enjoy the show tonight.

Josh started to relax when he heard a voice behind him.

"Oh, look, it's the guy from Starbucks I saw earlier. He thought he could get his coffee for free."

Josh turned and saw two guys staring at him. They both had a mocking grin on their faces.

Josh swallowed and turned away, placing the empty glass on the counter.

"Let's go." he said and grabbed Tyler's hand, pulling him backstage.

He didn't want to play in front of these people.

"What's wrong?" Tyler asked.

"Nothing. I'm fine." Josh mumbled.

Tyler sighed. "You're not and I can see it."

"I'm fine! Just leave me alone!" Josh snapped.

Tyler raised his hands. "Alright, calm down. You're fine, I get it. Let's just play the show tonight, okay?"

Josh nodded sharply, but he just wanted to run away and hide.

  
Josh was shaking when he stepped on stage. He was glad Tyler was with him, but the singer couldn't protect him from the stares. It felt like everybody was judging him.  
Josh was tense when he sat down behind his drumset. Grabbing his drumsticks tightly, he took a deep breath and decided not to let the previous events get to him.

Josh just wanted to get lost into the music, forget everything except his drums and enjoy the moment.

They both had different ways to deal with stress. Tyler had his music. People knew what he was feeling, he had the words to describe and say out loud that he was sad or anxious.

Josh didn't have that. The only way to get rid of his feelings were the drums, but Tyler was the only one who understood was he was talking about.

He could see it the way Josh gripped his sticks tightly or the way he drummed harder when he was anxious, but if Tyler noticed a difference, he didn't show it.

It seemed to work and Josh simply paid attention to the drums and the music.  
Suddenly, he realized Tyler had stopped playing and turned his head to look at the singer. Tyler looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

"What are you doing?" he mouthed.

Josh was confused. He had started to play the drumbeat of the next song, so what did Tyler mean?

He kept playing, but Tyler shook his head violently. "Wrong song!" he said silently.

Josh's eyes widened in shock. He didn't know what song he was supposed to play. He watched Tyler sigh and play another melody on the piano. It seemed like he decided just to run with it.

The rest of the setlist was the same, but Josh felt horrible. As soon as the show was over, he jumped up, waved and stormed off stage.

Tyler followed him quickly. He placed a hand on Josh's shoulder and turned him around.

"What the heck was that?" he asked.

"I didn't know it was the wrong song." Josh explained sheepishly.

"But we talked about it before the show!" Tyler ran his hand through his hair. "Were you even listening?"

Josh bit his lip and shook his head in shame.

He didn't do it on purpose, he just couldn't recall a single word Tyler said to him.

"Dude, we can't mess up a show like this again! We need every single person out there and they won't support us if half of the band doesn't even know what to do!" Tyler said angrily.

"I'm sorry." Josh said quietly.

"I know, but that doesn't change a thing. Josh, this is serious! This is not a one time thing, I'm talking about our existence!" Tyler yelled. "Do you even know how important this is to me!?"

Josh took a step back, looking at the singer with tears in his eyes. Before Tyler could say a word, he turned and ran away from his friend - the only thing he was good at.

  
  
He made it through the back door of the venue before he couldn't hold back his tears any longer.

They came with full force and he slid down the wall, burying his face in his hands and sobbing his heart out.

As expected, it took Tyler only about two minutes to find him. He stepped out and looked at his bandmate.

Josh sat on the ground, his knees drawn to his chest, hugging his legs protectively. His tear-stained face and trembling lips made him look incredibly miserable.

Tyler sighed and sat down next to him, leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong, Josh?" he asked softly.

Josh shook his head, turning away from him.

Tyler placed a hand on his friend's back.

"Joshua, you need to talk to me, please."

"It-It's nothing. I just..." Josh sobbed. "I can't do anything right a-and everything goes wrong a-and I just wanted to get coffee and I-I forgot my wallet and oh god, Tyler, everybody looked at me."

"So that's why you didn't buy coffe." Tyler mumbled. "Josh, it's no big deal. This happenes to other people, too."

"But it's so embarrassing." Josh pressed his palms against his eyes. "A-and I messed up tonight, I m-messed up and now you're mad at me."

"Josh, hey." Tyler said sternly. "Look at me. I'm not mad, okay? It's okay. It was a mistake, we can make it better next time."

Josh gasped for breath. He knew Tyler's words should calm him down, but he remembered everybody's eyes on him and suddenly his chest started to feel too tight to breathe.

He had felt the panic attack approaching all day, but he had ignored it. Now he couldn't fight it anymore.

He heard the blood rush in his ears, sweat started dripping down his temples when he clawed at the back of his neck, desperately trying to breathe.

"Josh? Josh, look at me!" Tyler said, shaking him slightly.

"C-can't breathe." Josh gasped for breath. "Tyler... I-I'm dying."

"No, you're not. It's a panic attack, try to calm down, okay?" Tyler rubbed his back. Josh could see he was worried, but the tears in his eyes made everything blurry.

He felt incredibly helpless, because he couldn't control his body anymore and he couldn't speak, all that came out were choked sobs. He knew there was no real force suffocating him and that was even worse, because Tyler couldn't help him.  
He could only sit next to him and watch Josh whimper because he is sure he's dying.

Although they were outside, there wasn't enough space and Josh felt like there was a weight on his chest, crushing him.

He let out a weak scream, while the invisible hands closed around his windpipe and he couldn't think straight. The panic made everything blurry and Josh knew he was making things worse, but he couldn't breathe.

He couldn't and he tried and failed, but suddenly there was Tyler's hand on his neck, warm and steady and for a second, Josh forgot about his panic and managed to draw in a breath.

"There you go." Tyler mumbled and started to talk and Josh tried to listen to his words.  
They sat like this for a while, Tyler talking about his childhood friends and Josh slowly calming down until he could breathe again. 

He kept his eyes squeezed shut, trying not to cause another attack and it worked.

His chest didn't feel so tight anymore and he could look at Tyler.

The singer wiped Josh's tears away carefully and rubbed his back softly.

"I'm sorry." Josh said finally.

"It's okay." Tyler answered.

Another minute of silence followed until Tyler spoke up.

"You can't blame me for being worried." he said quietly. "Sometimes you act weird and I know something's wrong but you refuse to talk to me."

"I don't." Josh whispered. "I don't. I just can't- I,I can't-" he stumbled over his own words.

"Shh, it's okay. Take your time."

Josh took a deep breath. "I just feel like such a failure." he whispered.

"But why do you feel that way? Because you're not perfect? Because you make mistakes?" Tyler asked.

Josh nodded, eyes glued to the floor. "Yeah..."

"So you feel guilty for being human." Tyler stated. "You feel guilty for being imperfect like every single person on earth is. That’s just ridiculous. You shouldn't feel guilty for not being perfect, Josh. You shouldn't apologize for that."

Josh bit his lip. "I don't want you to think that I'm not good for the band."

Tyler was silent for a second before he started laughing. "Josh, you're the best thing that happened to the band. I couldn't be here without you."

Josh looked at him wide-eyed. "Are you serious?"

"I am." Tyler sighed. "You're a good person and even better friend. Do not let the voices in your head tell you otherwise, okay?"

"Okay." Josh agreed quietly.

Tyler pulled him into a hug and Josh finally felt himself starting to relax.

"I need you." Tyler whispered into his hair. "I need you more than you know. I hope you know that."

Instead of answering, Josh pressed himself against Tyler's side. When Tyler wrapped an arm around Josh's waist, he felt stronger and not so alone anymore. 

Maybe they weren't famous yet, but they could make it. It was just a feeling, but with Tyler, everything seemed easier.


End file.
